In Defense Of Sparks

There are so many beers of so many sorts and flavor profiles and whatever that I feel damn lucky to be drinking and aware now, when microbreweries and such have a solid presence in the market. That being said, when I started drinking in the shabby-chic, slowly-gentrifying Jersey City alleyways and parks at sixteen or so, options for the stores that would sell to youngins were (are) limited. You have Bud and 40s of Old English, sometimes Heineken or even Guinness. I was not happy with any of those beers (Guinness is just okay). I stuck to grimy Georgi and high-alcohol-content rums that I was unaware contained more than 40% alcohol... whoops.

Then there was Sparks. Looking something like Lolita must have looked to Humbert Humbert, it was just so alluring: sexy black and silver plus and minus signs, not-so-sexy orange font. Still, marketed just right to capture attention. I was already a Red Bull fiend, so my first sip of Sparks wasn't awful. It was sugary, taurine-infused beer, sort of like mixing Red Bull (more like Monster, actually) with Pabst Blue Ribbon. It fueled many a long wandery night with its soda can good-looks and lack of being on the cop radar for a time.

Even with its pitfalls (which included how bad it smelled when spilled and dried, drama that only mixing stimulants with alcohol can produce, and that if the black 7% was out, the blue and orange 6% versions tasted horrific), it was an integral part of my early drinking years. The people at my favorite liquor store knew exactly where to direct me when I came in once and they had moved the shelf of Sparks. Perhaps more importantly, it kept me from drinking Budweiser products, or anything that I suspected was actually carbonated pisswater. No, it isn't Stone IPA or even Hennepin, but it is a step above the fodder of most parties held by most people.

If my words have convinced you... well, I'm sorry, but you can't have the Sparks that are my Sparks of lore. The government decided that beer companies were just trolling for jailbait and demanded that companies making Sparks and Sparks-like products cease and desist, and take out all energy drink components. There's a non-energized version now, but from what I've heard, it ain't the same, and I'm not sure I'm willing to ruin my youth quite yet.

Even though I've basically stopped drinking this sweet swill, this is a step much like the recent bans on all flavored cigarettes (barring moneymaking menthol). This move seems to attack the teen drinking trend, but it will really end up backfiring, because most teens will be happy to drink whatever will get them trashed enough to forget the stupidity of each other. Actually, that describes most drinkers regardless of age brackets, but I digress.

I've grown fond of craft beers, particularly anything Stone brewery makes and Russian Imperial Stouts, and have traded in Georgi for slightly better vodka. I still got two four-packs of Sparks for Christmas 08, and toasted 2009 in with a shared can of the stuff. I am saving those last "real" Sparks for when I want to remember why I liked it so much in the teenage wasteland... and for when I want to remember how much more I have to experience.